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" He swallowed, looked down at the therapist's shoes. He wished he had chosen a female therapist, it might be easier to admit it to a woman. "I imagine . . . I'm having sex." He almost said "getting fucked"."I see," He looked away from James a moment, then back at him as he said, "Who do you imagine having sex with?" Nobody, really. It's like just a man having sex with me. Not anybody I know." A man. I see." The therapist looked at his shoe. "Do you imagine it as a homosexual encounter?" No, actually I don't. That's what's weird. It's more like I'm a woman doing it with a man. I'm a woman, or feel a woman." And it seems strange? Imagining you're a woman?" Yeah. It's not a gay thing, how I think about it. Definitely not gay. Afterwards I hate myself for doing it and I promise I'll stop, never do it again." "You feel guilty." Not exactly," James said, "I think, why do I do it, it's just that it's . . . crazy, perverted. I say I'll stop. I won't do it any more. But then I get the urge. You took my hand as we entered the front room. The darkness left a chill in the room as the heat had not been turned on. You left my side and flicked on some lights. I turned and headed towards the kitchen as you started a fire in the fireplace. Dinner had already been made and as I leaned over to light the candles you entered the room and stretched your arms out to me. I entered your embrace feeling your warmth, hearing the soft music playing in the other room. You kissed the top of my head and ran your hands up and down my back as my head rested on your chest. This was our time. Time away from jobs and family. Time for you and me. After a nice dinner of fillet mignon, baked potato and a salad we sat on the couch in front of the fireplace. Your arms wrapped around me and my head back against you. The cabin was quiet and we could hear the crackling of the firewood. After a while the only words of the night were spoken by you, "Hot tub!" We got up and you held your hand out to me..
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